I am about as autistic as they come.  

Realising that for ME, my own SELF is not “just” a collection of individual characteristics, but a perfect world, opened a whole new chapter in the sometimes painful process of liberating myself from the slavery imposed on me, i.e. the attempt of pleasing my surroundings, the people who claim to see the bigger picture, but miserably fail to see others as vital details of these pictures.
I started to see the absolute value of the SELF, which is not only a person, ME, but also a place which I can identify as “within”, where I can find MYSELF. And I absolutely agree with the writer’s critique of the allistic world; it’s just hard to realise that this world still acts as a trap unless the neurodivergent finds their way back within themselves. And yes, interaction is important for all the practical reasons, but it should be MY choice, not my chain…

Oh, does this make me “selfish”?

Absolutely, and it feels great!

I CAN Be Autistic

solitary figure standing alone with fractal designs in the sky around them

Autos = Greek for “Self”.

-ism = word-forming element making nouns implying a practice, system, doctrine, etc

Autism = extreme practice / system / doctrine of the Self.

Self-referencing.

Self-consulting.

Self-absorbed.

For me, that’s the only — the only  — way I can effectively create. And think. And live.

Other people’s input is fine for them to offer, but it’s for them. Not for me. I cannot abide having input from others into what I’m doing, while I’m doing it. Every now and then, I’ll make an exception for works that are intended for a wider audience. But the works I create for myself, and for the sake of creating — totally, 100% Autistic. and that’s absolutely perfect.

Balance… balance.

The danger, of course, comes from my developed way of relating to the rest of the world. I know I am different. I have no desire to conform…

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Curing Autism

Featured Image -- 1102“Autism is a normal neurological variance. Just like being left handed. We need the right scissors, or rather the left ones. “

Autism and Expectations

Can we talk about a cure?

There’s a real problem when it comes to Autism, and it’s not to be found in us autistics. It’s to be found in the focus of funding.

Time and time again I see people struggling to get diagnosed, and then struggling when there is so little real support post-diagnosis.

The vast majority of funding appears to be spent on finding a cause for Autism, and studying what it really means neurologically.

I’m not saying those things shouldn’t be funded, but that leaves a tiny percent left for actually supporting people.

I’ve recently seen a disturbing comment by a parent of an autistic child, berating an autistic adult for calling themselves autistic, “You wouldn’t call a child with cancer a cancer child!” is the argument.

I wonder if they know how hurtful and offensive that is? I wonder if they realise that they’re comparing a…

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Sensory Overload, my hidden foe (hearing)…

As I have mentioned before, I am going through a process of discovering newer and newer details about my own condition(s), and as a result, I am learning how to better cope with life’s sometimes fair, but oftentimes unfair demands. In this process, I notice similarities between what I experience and what others experience, therefore … Continue reading Sensory Overload, my hidden foe (hearing)…

Where clouds merge…

Too late to paint the shades of darkness; it’s after midnight, don’t you know? So many wounds, and so much harshness, of deaths outrunning lives too slow…   Do we remember our own image mirrored, the smell of revenge on edges of time, of tenderness scarred and hopes littered, of poems unworthy of paper and … Continue reading Where clouds merge…

I would have built robots

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“There’s a liberty that comes when everything is broken. There’s a freedom of purpose. “

Autism and Expectations

When I was little I wanted to make robots. I was going to be an inventor. Robots were the future, they were going to be everything, and I was going to design them.

I’d spend ages drawing pictures of different tin-cans with claws and wheels and springs.

I remember being frustrated that I didn’t know how to put them together. I didn’t know how to create.

Whenever any appliance broke, I would ask if I could have a screwdriver and a hammer and take it apart.

It’s an adorable image, isn’t it? A small girl in her turquoise t-shirt dress with boats on it (labels secretly removed by her with the scissors she wasn’t allowed to use) sat at the kitchen table, carefully taking apart a toaster. Trying to find its secrets in the hopes that it would help her make robots.

Legs dangling from the chair. Chin barely above…

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Why the “rest” of the world is largely unaware of people on the spectrum

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As I may have mentioned before, I’m about halfway through my next degree, this time in Mental Health…
And exactly as the post’s writer, I’m a healthcare practitioner, who’s come to learn about Asperger’s after one my lecturers kindly (and I mean it…) asked: “Aren’t you just a tiny bit autistic?”
And looking back, I can see his many reasons 🙂
And for those reading this, wondering why my blog’s name/title changed together with my area(s) of interest, rest assured, it’s still the me you’ve known for a while, with one MAJOR difference, as it looks that I have found a part of myself I didn’t know about, a part which the more I explore, the more I understand, and the more I understand, the more I learn to accept and respect.
I know it may sound silly, but I always felt like having had a lost twin brother without whom I felt incomplete. And strange enough, it feels like this unknown part of me might be exactly “what”, or better “whom” I missed. Further more, it becomes obvious that for minds always looking for all the pieces of all the puzzles constructing each detail of our perception of reality, the unknowing of ourselves leaves us scattered within, unable to find all the senses we need to exist.
So, I am deeply grateful for all the time you have spent reading and following my humble writing efforts, but please, and take it from my heart, feel absolutely free to stay around, or should you chose so, remain a kind memory 🙂

the silent wave

Today marks exactly–and only–3 1/2 months since I discovered my membership on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum.

Before that, the possibility had never even so much as crossed my mind.

Being that I’m in the healthcare field, I’m embarrassed to admit just how little I knew about Asperger’s and the rest of the autism spectrum.  Sure, I was “aware” that it existed.  I even knew how to spot some of the more obvious autistic “behaviors”.  I knew about the “desperate” “plight” of mothers of children on the spectrum (who can miss that??).  I was familiar with several of the proposed causal/correlative/associative theories of autism, such as gut bacteria imbalance, methylation issues, sensory processing issues, and toxic overload.

All I knew about Asperger’s, though, was the (unfounded and completely inaccurate) claim of a “cold” and “detached” personality.

Since I had never even entertained the idea that I might be an Aspie myself…

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What does a meltdown Feel like?

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Recently, my world has been turned “upside down”, which is actually the “normal” for me, since I became aware of living on the Asperger’s Autistic Spectrum. And I so much wanted to write everything I feel, but poetry isn’t the best method of conveying organised thoughts. To my absolute surprise, someone living in the same universe but on a beautifully different planet, has written all my thoughts, neatly organised. And since permission was granted to re-blog, I’m gladly sharing her thoughts, many common to us, Aspies, beginning with this one, to be followed by many more, before my new blog, “Aspergreatness” will emerge…

the silent wave

In a relatively recent post, I explained the differences between a meltdown and a temper tantrum.  Even for those who haven’t personally experienced or witnessed a meltdown, it’s pretty easy to form a mental picture of what one looks like, using only minimal imagination; on the outside and at the surface, a meltdown resembles a garden variety tantrum (except that it’s not).

But few, if any, allistic people (those who aren’t on the autism spectrum) know what a meltdown actually feels like.  Truthfully, it can be tough to understand.  As with many other aspects of Asperger’s and the autism spectrum in general, it can be difficult to explain, and the details may vary among individual people, as do the thoughts, emotions, and “why”s behind it all.

I’m fortunate in that meltdowns don’t happen to me very often.  But I’ve had my share.  People have gotten hurt in the process. …

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Reasons to nowhere…

Abiding deep within limits of reason, stacking the lines between movement and still, abandoned or lost at the end of each season, painting of clouds for some windless mill…   Sandpapered shores without door or a window, oceanless depths all awaiting to fly, scratching the bark under each weeping willow, mourning a timelessness unwilling to … Continue reading Reasons to nowhere…

Shelves to nowhere…

  I need one more day to remember tomorrow, a page underneath old volumes of pain, stolen perhaps from where’s nothing to borrow, oblivious libraries of not much to gain…   Pacing intrigued through shelves to nowhere, wars of empires coveting gold, buried beneath my belonging to somewhere, echoes and voices of stories untold…   … Continue reading Shelves to nowhere…