It’s “official”, I am Actually Autistic…

R cube LibThink

Since my last post in June, (I hope 😊) you might have noticed my absence, with only some misty mentions of having been withdrawn in my academic shell, and some even more elusive ‘reason’ for delaying more new posts…

The truth is that I have indeed managed to (I again, hope 😊) successfully complete the very last of my university exams, looking therefore forward to my third degree, this time in Mental Health, and also to November, when I should start my PgCert in ‘Autism and Asperger’s’ at Sheffield Hallam University.

The other, more ‘elusive’ reason, mentioned only in a few, sporadic comments, had actually to do with the outcome of my formal diagnostic assessment for ASD, following sessions in March and June. At the mid-June appointment, the clinician informed me that according to her assessment, I am on the Autistic Spectrum, with a complete diagnosis letter to follow. However, since one of my very specific autistic traits is always following a strict, sequential order of events, I decided to disclose all this, only after receiving the formal letter.

Unfortunately, due to unpredictable circumstances, I received my seven pages formal diagnosis letter only today, of which what matters to me is a clear diagnosis of ASD, specifically “Asperger’s Syndrome […] as described in ICD-10″.

The letter is clear and concise, showing a precise understanding of both what I’ve said, but also what I haven’t, a professionally exact observation of aspects of my non-verbal communication, and to my honest surprise, the mention of my own, several pages long, detailed symptoms summary, which the clinician did consider in my diagnosis.

When asked in June about how do I feel finding out to be Autistic, my first thought was, “angry”…

Angry, about everything I couldn’t do because the “world/society” decided that the way I see, I understand, I feel, I act, I think, I walk, I exist, doesn’t matter outside its own, arbitrarily imposed set of rules for a “greater good/picture” type of forced cohabitation.

But then a second thought emerged, that of “relief”…

I know that “formal diagnosis” is a divisive subject, with personally justifiable pros and cons. In my (un)humble opinion though, a formal diagnosis should be considered rather as a shield, a protective barrier against what may be “societal rules” for the majority of neurotypicals, but are surely experienced as an ongoing abuse by most neurodivergents. In other words, if they want me to live in their world, I am entitled to be shielded against what they consider normal, which is nevertheless utterly abnormal for my brain structure, for me… And yes, for some neurodivergents, the words disorder and syndrome have negative overtones, however, I respectfully agree to disagree with their position. Because since I must live on a wrong planet, I’ll proudly accept the protection I am entitled to, in order to preserve and safeguard what I consider to be my non-repeatable uniqueness.

And if you may wonder what’s that blank Rubik cube about, it’s my unique way of understanding and accepting the only logical use of that cube’s structure, which leads back to its basic structure with each move, without any unnecessary twist of rearranging a pattern of colours deranged with no valid logical reason, besides planning to rearrange them…

Because circular reasoning is not at all a valid form of reasoning.

23 thoughts on “It’s “official”, I am Actually Autistic…

  1. You HAVE been missed! I know that *formal* diagnosis is a touchy subject to many ND folks but since you sought it out and are happy to have the letter in hand, let me offer you my congratulations 👏👏🏅🏆🎈🎉🎊🌠🌟🙌🙌💥💫💐 Also, congrats on the 3rd (WOW😮) degree!
    I agree that if you’re expected to survive in the NT world you are entitled to whatever accommodations you need. It’s just unfortunate that you have to get a piece of paper to ensure that your needs are taken seriously.
    Congrats again!✨

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh dear Gran, your kind words sound like a fourth degree 🌹You have no idea how hard it was not to write, to participate… But I’m back, hopefully for good 👾

      Liked by 2 people

  2. So gleeful to see you again!! Yay!! And look at you–lots of interesting events have transpired 😊. I’m really glad you feel relief; that in itself can be very healing or balancing or whatever 💜

    Congratulations on everything you’ve been doing 💙

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Laina, it’s good to be back, actually crawling sloooowly back, trying to enjoy a week off, to re-organise my “everything I’m doing”. I hope you’re all right and OK 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You and I appear to be quite similar in academic pursuits, but also in recently being diagnosed. I was diagnosed only two days ago and already I have had a mixture of emotions from relief, anger, and even resentment.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much for your comment, and I apologise for replying so late, but it’s been quite hectic for the past few days. I am sure you go through the rather interestingly confused, post-diagnosis period. My greatest challenge is letting go of all the maladaptive strategies which have come to plague in a restrictive way my life, without appearing even more weird than so far, which might become a problem at work 🤓 As for my academic work, I can’t wait starting my Autism and Asperger’s PgCert. I’ve got a few study projects lined up, which I’ll post about shortly. I’d gladly keep in touch with you about these, if you’d be interested. 🤓

      Liked by 1 person

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