Sixth of Asperger’s Ten Traits – “We have feelings of dread about even one event on the calendar”

“6) We seek refuge at home or at a safe place. The days we know we don’t have to be anywhere, talk to anyone, answer any calls, or leave the house, are the days we take a deep breath and relax. If one person will be visiting, we perceive the visit as a threat; knowing logically the threat isn’t real, doesn’t relieve a drop of the anxiety. We have feelings of dread about even one event on the calendar. Even something as simple as a self-imposed obligation, such as leaving the house to walk the dog, can cause extreme anxiety. It’s more than going out into society; it’s all the steps that are involved in leaving–all the rules, routines, and norms. Choices can be overwhelming: what to wear, to shower or not, what to eat, what time to be back, how to organize time, how to act outside the house… all these thoughts can pop up. Sensory processing can go into overload; the shirt might be scratchy, the bra pokey, the shoes too tight. Even the steps to getting ready can seem boggled with choices–should I brush my teeth or shower first, should I finish that email, should I call her back now or when I return, should I go at all? Maybe staying home feels better, but by adulthood we know it is socially “healthier” to get out of the house, to interact, to take in fresh air, to exercise, to share. But going out doesn’t feel healthy to us, because it doesn’t feel safe. For those of us that have tried CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), we try to tell ourselves all the “right” words, to convince ourselves our thought patterns are simply wired incorrectly, to reassure ourselves we are safe… the problem then becomes this other layer of rules we should apply, that of the cognitive-behavior set of rules. So even the supposed therapeutic self-talk becomes yet another set of hoops to jump through before stepping foot out of the house. To curl up on the couch with a clean pet, a cotton blanket, a warm cup of tea, and a movie or good book may become our refuge. At least for the moment, we can stop the thoughts associated with having to make decisions and having to face the world. A simple task has simple rules.”

Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.

In the neurotypical (NT) world, going to work next day, is just another day of going to work…

Get up, (and now I’m starring at the screen, as even the attempt of “thinking” neurotypically absolutely confuses me…), usual morning stuff, drive to work, work, drive back, evening stuff, sleep, another day tomorrow…

Compared to the above, anything in a neurodivergent’s life, even going to work, becomes a conscious “event”, which needs to be properly considered, thought through, planned, routine respected, analysed upon progression and evaluated.

To give anyone reading these posts an idea of how a neurodivergent (ND) brain functions, of what a High Functioning Autistic/Asperger’s adult’s mind has to abide by, please consider an example about stages of progress onto going to work, on a “normal” day:

-getting up in the morning without any clock, after another rough night of consciously trying to find the same position at every turn, while concentrating every time on one’s own breath in order to avoid absorbing al the chirps, cracks, breaths, squeaks, drips, ticks, tocks, sirens, etc

-consciously attempting to arrange the cover on the same side, the same way every time upon uncovering, followed by lifting left leg, right leg down, balancing left leg up and down, while body on the right side is pushed up on right elbow, left hand counterbalancing with wave motion from left side to right side down

-sitting on the side of the bed, rubbing nose/beard/nose, scratching head with right hand, planning the short walk to the slippers left exactly in the same place, by a piece of furniture which serves as a balance support for dyspraxia

-walking towards slippers, holding on to the furniture, putting on slippers, always left first, right second

-walking to the chair where depending on season and therefore temperature and air humidity, a sleeveless grey body warmer or a navy blue/black hoody is put on, back first, left arm second, right arm third, hood adjustment fourth, zipper fifth

-grab tablet on the way to toilet by placing right foot between chair and desk, hold it right hand between thumb and fingers 3, 4, 5, as index is used to open the door, while left hand pushes aside clothes on the tree hanger

-sit on the toilet, open tablet, start tablet, wait for log-on, logging on…

And I’ll stop here, for obvious reasons, even though it’s been around 1 1/2 minutes (90 seconds) since getting out of bed, with only 1438 1/2 to go until next morning’s identical/similar routine…

And EVERYTING else follows, same way, same routine, same order, with every detail thought about in advance as the minutes roll on.

So, in order to clarify why at the end of a day, a ND nearly collapses, please try to imagine the conscious thought process which has to go in our life’s each progressing detail, while all stimuli arriving through all senses are being processed throughout most of our cerebral cortex, with each and every unplanned and therefore unexpected event/detail mandatorily processed, categorised, catalogued and stored accordingly.

One of the reasons for the precise and detailed visual memory of NDs, called sometimes eidetic, is our brain’s capacity to assimilate randomly arrived information into well-established routine patterns, making therefore an incidental detail an incorporated part of a pre-existent pattern. From there, using other stored memory cues, these can be retrieved for periods of time depending on the individual’s unique neurobiology.

Would it be now maybe easier to understand why seeking refuge at home or at a safe place becomes a necessity?

And in case you still wonder why, please remember that even if our minds seem to possess peculiar computing capacities, our brains, together with our bodies, still burn the same carbohydrates as anyone else’s, making them therefore susceptible to fatigue, low fuel levels, and unfortunately burn-outs…

The difference is that while the NT brain/body engines count the carbohydrates burned per hour, the ND engines count them per minute…