“5) We learn that to fit in we have to “fake” it. Through trial and error, we lost friends. We over-shared, spilling out intimate details to strangers; we raised our hand too much in class, or didn’t raise our hand at all; we had little impulse control with our speaking, monopolizing conversations and bringing the subject back to ourselves. We aren’t narcissistic and controlling – we know we are not, but we come across that way. We bring the subject back to ourselves because that is how we make sense of our world, that is how we believe we connect. We use our grasp of the world as our foundation, our way of making sense of another. We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out. We don’t mean to sound ego-centered or overzealous. It’s all we know. We can’t change how we see the world. But we do change what we say. We hold a lot inside. A lot of what we see going on about us, a lot of what our bodies feel, what our minds conjecture. We hold so much inside, as we attempt to communicate correctly. We push back the conversational difficulties we experience, e.g., the concepts of acceptable and accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, posture – push it all back, and try to focus on what someone is saying with all the do’s and don’ts hammering in our mind. We come out of a conversation exhausted, questioning if we “acted” the socially acceptable way, wondering if we have offended, contradicted, hurt, or embarrassed others or ourselves. We learn that people aren’t as open or trusting as we are. That others hold back and filter their thoughts. We learn that our brains are different. We learn to survive means we must pretend.”
Used with permission from @everydayaspergers. Originally published in Samantha Croft‘s -now former- blog, Everyday Asperger’s, as The Ten Traits.
The early period of my assessment and diagnostic of Special Learning Difficulties and Autism Spectrum Disorder/Asperger’s (Twice Exceptional, yay… 😊) was the hardest…
I oftentimes felt like a convulsing, unborn breech baby, arriving into what would prove to be an unwelcoming world in a most peculiar way, unsure to go into the light, or stay in my unspacious, rocking wombcraft…
Having lost a managerial job because I didn’t ‘manage’ to do three people’s jobs, of which two have fallen out to undue workplace stress, and the third was the area manager’s acting butler, I arrived to my next station, just to realise that my curse of being “too educated and overqualified” followed me, obviously…
“Drama queen” because I shared my honest opinions and concerns, “victimiser” because I raised concerns of unfair workloads, “arse” because of being sincere, “with an overly attitude” because I expressed my frustration for being bullied, just to mention an average page from the “Diary of an unsuspecting Aspie…”
But one of the most intriguing happenings was the “why have you gone cold?” after being told that “you ask too many questions, be more confident…” episode.
As Samantha so brilliantly put it, “We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out. We don’t mean to sound ego-centered or overzealous. It’s all we know”. As a consequence, I was sharing feelings and understanding, literally trying to reach out, genuinely thinking that it’s what’s expected of me, just to be quite sharply “advised” to show more confidence and do not seek approval for everything…
It felt really humiliating and inconsiderate, but I swallowed my hurting dignity and did the only thing I know, i.e. if it’s not one than it must be zero, and went quiet…
Guess what, after a week or so, the same person asked what happened, and why have I gone “cold silent”? Is anything wrong? I said, no, but since I was told that I talk and ask too much, I respectfully obliged and gone silent… “Oh but that’s not how that was meant” came the excuse…
In the end, we clarified that my mind comprehends only yes/no, black/white and one/zero, with not much in between, which when my Autistic Traits were diagnosed, made much more sense to my environment.
Did my environment adapt at all after my assessment? I must surprisingly say that yes, to some degree, for which I am thankful.
But overall, it’s me who’s learned that in order to survive, the show must go on…
THEORETICAL PHILOSOPHY 
I never compared or considered the similar ‘traits’ with who are highly-sensitive, ahem like me… when someone misunderstands something that was done with a pure heart with only the highest intentions and reads it in different ways, oh, it crushes us — and we hold that deep inside, and yes it makes us silent and fearful to speak up.. people often have no idea of how words can hurt and continue hurting years later….
btw, thank you for your own kind words regarding my posts!
lisa
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You’re most welcome Lisa, your posts are windows to a world I’m glad still exists 🙂
I would say I’m glad you can relate, but then I know it’s relating to the pain as well, so I hope to have understood well, or at least close to it, that a soul’s unique sensibility will lead the way in finding ways of unique expressions of art.
Thank you for stopping by 🙂
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We need people like you who help everyone understand – and to be more sensitive to all… Thank you!
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Oh how kind of you Lisa! It’s probably one of the most, both professionally and personally, rewarding things I’ve been ever told 🙂
Well, that’s exactly why I took deeply personal matters such as my Learning Difficulties (Dyslexia/Dyspraxia) and Autism, to the next level, where I’m developing my academic understanding of these, hoping to be of any help to those in similar situations. I’ve suffered enough in silence, to have become sensitive to the plight of others as well 🙂
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Thanks back to you as well! Every so often Life finds ways to confirm that we’re on the right track, and this exchange most likely confirms that! Yes, Life gives us little rewards from time to time. i sometimes say that we’re here to teach and to learn, and we’re all here to help each other along. But we are also here to give comfort, which you’re doing for those who are in those similar situations.
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Brilliantly worded, surely from someone who’s learned both to give and be given 💐
Thank you Lisa, very much 😇
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I can definitely relate to this post! I tend to be open and trusting naturally, too, but I have learned to be more cautious. Although many have expressed that I am one of the most loving, positive, non-judgmental people they know, I recently had one person indirectly call me and another person “small-minded, drama-infested, cowardly doucherockets”. The ‘funny’ thing is, he posted that, along with a threat, on social media without naming us, unfriended us, and then a week later announced that he and his wife had made a couple of enemies [within our organization]. It’s ‘funny’ because he didn’t have the courage to speak with or directly mention us, and he created drama via social media with mutual friends wanting to unknowingly ‘kick our a****’. This is the first time I’ve openly posted anything specific, because I feel relatively safe, yet still somewhat cautious. 😛 Thank you, Moshe!
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Hi Rene, what an always pleasant time to read your comments 🤗
Wow, the person you mentioned could definitely participate in a “most creative invective” tournament, with certain chances for the “doucherocket”, if it would be his/her invention, which isn’t 🤓
You see that’s why, having learned my lessons, deleted my Faecesbook and never had Twittster, Instablabla, etc.
The reason I kept WP is that it’s still a platform of creativity and decent expression, where so far it still matters if you’ve got a bit of writing talent, and are free to read, be read, etc, same like a giant library/bookstore.
Some people including many autistics, slowly burn themselves out completely on social media, and don’t even realise it…
I agree; time comes for the wise to take advantage of their acquired wisdom and start discarding everything becomes an unworthy burden. One’s soul, and its equilibrium are way too important to consider them as less than a primary focus. Trust? Since I started doubting even my own self, I decided never to ever offer trust for granted, to anyone. Trust has to be earned…
As for your a******, no worries, no one gets or stays in my backyard without an earned trust, so kicking excluded. Mwahahahaha 👾🖖👽
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[chuckle] I enjoyed your alternative names for the popular social media sites. I have considered deleting my accounts a few times and even disabled one temporarily. I am beginning to take advantage of acquired wisdom, mix it with empathy and grace, and starting to discard everything that has or is becoming an unworthy, unnecessary burden. I also take advantage of filters, such as ‘unfollowing’ or focusing on created lists, such as ‘Family’. It helps!
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You describe my work experience so much. What’s sadder is that People are still here wondering why there’s a Loneliness Epidemic and we as autistics are so acutely aware of the reason: we are very open but we get shut down for it. No one is actually allowed to be themselves
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Exactly. But I decided to try what I never did: demanding the right to be myself. And it may work…
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Yes….I find I’m protecting myself a lot better emotionally that way too, and much better than I did when I used to act like a completely different person.
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